Editorial: To Gov. LePage, you’re a stupid @!#$%^ (June 21, 2013)

Though we would never endorse such infantile behavior, here’s what an editorial concerning the Maine budget would look like if written by Gov. LePage.

Christ on a bike, do you believe these losers under the dome? They act like babies who can’t get their way. Good thing daddy’s here to set things straight.

Because, look, I’m the boss. I know everything, and would never allow an opposing viewpoint to color my thinking.

In fact, if you disagree with me, are you sure you’re even human? I’ve seen readers like you who have never been out of grade school and are still cutting trees somewhere in northern Maine, where nothing ever happens and stupid people live.

So there.

So, dirtbag, let me tell you about this budget.

I can’t sign it. I don’t like tax increases.

My budget increased taxes? Where? Show me where in the budget my plan said “Increase taxes.” It didn’t. It said, “Cut revenue sharing to towns.” It said, “Cut spending for schools.” It said, “Make municipalities pay for teachers’ retirement.” It said, “Keep state pay mostly capped at 2008 levels.”

See anything about a tax increase in there? I didn’t think so. But, again: That’s why you’re an idiot and I’m the governor.

End of story.

You want a nanny state that tells you what to do and doesn’t pay its bills? You want the Gestapo up your butt? You want social programs we can’t afford and all the other pretty little things government does that we can’t pay for, like school teachers, roads and bridges, a state university system that attracts talent?

We can’t afford any of that. We’re Maine.

My job is to think small. Really, really small.

My job is to convince you of all the things we cannot afford, such as billions in federal money to insure 70,000 sick people, or voter-approved borrowing for tech jobs, or investments in tidal and wind power that put the state at the forefront of new high-tech industries, or early education for pre-K students.

We can’t afford it. I know we can’t. I just said so.

You know how else I know? I just walked down to Maine Revenue Services and told those guys to all go home. They looked at me funny. They thought I was joking.

They’ll be OK. Lots of jobs in other states for tax experts.

Now let me set you straight. I got elected with 38 percent of the vote. Thirty. Eight. Percent.

My supporters are the downtrodden, the poor. These are the people who desperately want to be gouged by the health insurance industry because we aren’t letting the feds set up a competitive exchange endorsed by Republican governors in a dozen states.

But, of course you don’t get it.

Someone get this numbskull a drug test.

We replaced same-day voter registration, banned reporters and are trying to get a new sales tax on newspapers.

Public funds for private schools. Tax breaks for the rich.

Once these things trickle down, we’ll have only the right people voting. Then I’ll bet everyone will be as smart as me.

Until then, though, everyone just shut up.

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